Have you ever thought to yourself… “Self, I have far too many friends; I would like to lose some but I don’t know how!” Or how about, “Ya know what my life is lacking? An arch nemesis!”
And maybe you don’t feel like confronting your now-friends and soon-to-be enemies in person, so what better place to come avatar-to-avatar or remain completely anonymous in your quest to make others cry … than the internet!
Become the Food Foe
If you have friends who talk a lot about their dietary restrictions (whether by choice or for health reasons) i.e.: being vegan, kosher, gluten free, lactose intolerant, etc. here are some tricks of the trade to make your foodcentric friends hate you in a jiff. (Note: Be sure to mention Jif frequently to your friends with peanut allergies.)
For vegans, post pictures of yourself eating meat and lots of it. The juicier the better. Hamburgers, pork tender loin, bison steaks… bonus points if you can get your hands on some cute animal meat… Rabbit should do the trick. But if you’re up for munching on some puppy or chowing down a kitty… Go for it! Be sure to gnaw on a bone to really get your point across. Your online community will drop like flies. Then, if you can figure out a way to eat those flies and post that… You’ll be set!
You can also hang around sites geared towards these groups. Then, for example, you can anonymously post a selfie where you’re eating bacon wrapped shrimp dipped in cheese for all those who observe the laws of being Kosher to see! The Jewish people have been ostracized for so long, won’t it be a nice change for them to ostracize YOU?
And if YOU are someone who has dietary restrictions, be sure to preach about how your lifestyle choice is better than all others. The more superior you sound, the better. And don’t bother preaching to the choir; make sure you save your best sermons for those who don’t eat what you do. Site articles. Anything involving slaughter is perfect. The more times an article can use the word slaughter, the better. Even if you’re talking about gluten. If you can find someone with doctor anywhere around their name to go on record saying that gluten slaughters brain cells, post and repost it every 20 minutes.
Be an Overzealous Religious Zealot
If you have friends who are very observant within their religion (this can also work on religious sites/message boards if you are going the anonymous route) be sure to use as much foul language to put down their beliefs, G-d, observances, religious attire, etc. If they are monotheistic, talk about demons and hell. If they are Satanists, talk about angels. Post pictures of angels. Tell them you are their angel. (This works for atheists too.) Use religious slurs. Say things aren’t “real.” Jesus isn’t real. The Holocaust isn’t real. Buddha isn’t real. Be sure to tell them that what they think is stupid with absolutely nothing to back it up.
If you are very observant in your religion… Preach! Preach at any and every moment… However inappropriate. If a friend of a different religion asks for prayers for her sick grandma, tell her that no prayers will help because she doesn’t believe what you believe. Take this sensitive time to go on for paragraphs about what you believe, how you are right and they are wrong.
If Video Killed the Radio Star, You Get to Kill the Video Star
This one is easy… leave the following comment on as many online videos as you possibly can. I know that your time is precious to you, but I promise, your mom will bring your dinner to the basement if you can’t make it upstairs in time. This is very important. Ready? Type this… “You’re an ugly loser…kill yourself!”
And if you’re feeling really ambitious, use the wrong form of “your,” throw in some random capital letters, use terrible formatting and of course a million exclamation marks. That’s sure to get your point across. Who wouldn’t listen to:
Your a ugly LosR. Kill urself!!!!!!!
Swing Left or Swing Right, Either Way, They’re Wrong
Want to be hated by people who lean left, politically? Tell them gays are the devil. Tell them to stop suckling from the government’s teat. Tell them you are in charge of their (and their mothers’, daughters’, sisters’) vaginas.
Want to be hated by people who lean right, politically? Tell them you’re gay and you’re in love with them and are currently “turning” their whole family gay. Tell them you’re the lost Marx brother… Karl. Tell them you have a vagina and you’re not afraid to use it!
Hit ‘em in the Heart
Have friends with kids? Insult their children on all forms of social media.
If a friend posts a picture of her newborn baby, comment for all to see that it looks like your grandfather who had his face blown off in the war. Which war doesn’t matter. The truth doesn’t matter. The important thing is that the comment is just plain mean. For an even quicker loss of friendship, if there is a picture of mom just after delivery holding the baby, be sure to take a jab at how terrible she looks too. If you can, write a comment that insults not only her appearance, but also her integrity. A sure-fire loss of friendship would be something like:
Wow Jane, I haven’t seen you this exhausted since that frat party freshman year. Looks like your little princess is taking after mommy already…passed out and covered in her own yuck.
The best part about commenting on baby pictures is that chances are there will be a lot of other comments on the picture. So, if you’re smart, you’ll wait just long enough for there to be a long string of boring congratulatory comments. I know your instinct will be to try to be the first to comment, but if you wait, I assure you, you will reap the benefits of having all of the previous commenters notified about your well-crafted friendship-losing worthy comment.
Go So Far Off Course You’re No Longer on a Road
If you are on a forum, or your now-friend asks a serious question, make sure you respond with something that is totally, completely and in all other ways irrelevant. But not JUST irrelevant, irrelevant AND controversial. You can feel free to use any of the above suggestions for topics that don’t match up. For example, if you’re on a forum for new moms asking for breast-feeding advice, mention how the Holocaust didn’t happen but that meat is murder. Voila instant enemies!
Now, it’s probably time to take up residence under a bridge and start getting some riddles ready because you’re about to be called a troll. Well done! So, what are you waiting for? Get out there and give the people what they completely don’t want.
Happy weekend everyone! Kick back, relax, and enjoy some of my favorite next-level troll quotes.
Photos: Steve Montgomery via Flikr, Doug Wildman via Flikr
jessicaglassberg.com and follow her on twitter @JGlassberg. Jessica has written for The Screen Actors Guild Awards, Disney, and, for ten years, was the head writer of the 21-hour, Jerry Lewis MDA Telethon where she also performed five times. Additionally, “The History of the Joke with Lewis Black” on the History Channel featured Jessica’s comedic stylings and she currently produces and hosts a standup comedy showcase, “Laugh Drink Repeat,” and is a contributing writer for Kveller.com.